Who is this person I married?

My life

I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes. 

First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.

Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway. 

What plant is this talk one??

I don’t know what I am doing, stuck

Stuck, comfortable being uncomfortable. My marriage is a horrific bad joke. I truly don't know this "man" I am married to. He had changed or he was not exposing his true self to me when we were dating and got married. I pray to god to help me not be angry and to not feel hate towards this man. I have even told him those exact words… I don't know if he has fried his brain on drugs or literally doesn't hear a word I say… but he just doesn't get it.

We had a child extremely fast, while this was not planned and a very difficult adjustment for me especially, I had to abruptly quick a anti depressant and anxiety meds and give up any and all recreational highs or alcohol of any sort.. my body was so different, I felt huge and uncomfortable… and my husband was just a asshole. He didn't stop anything, he actually seemed to be way worse, I never imagined the person I would commit to spending the rest of my LIFE would be this selfish, immature, extremely neglectful, verbally and emotionally abusive, unstable, angry, prejudice, ignorant, annoying, just straight stupid fool!!

He is embarrassing, I cringe when he opens his mouth to speak, what 40 year old man doesn't know simple common sense manners like leaning over and putting your hand up to my ear to "cover" his mouth as he wishers loudly about a person 4 feet away…. you don't realize they can see that you are whispering and it's very awkward uncomfortable and RUDE AS FUCK. He will still argue with me that this is normal behavior… fool. I didn't even think it was possible to loath every single thing another human does or says…. I have no more patience with this person, we have been to therapists, doctors, physiologist, preachers ,you name it I have tried it, I am a so what down to earth rational common sense type person, so I immediately thought he was very mentally ill once I was exposed and the target of his abusive angry tantrums… he had to be bi polar or delusional, personality disorder, something!

He has been tested for depression and major anxiety, he is currently in anger management, but none of it has changed what I am seeing in him nore how he behaves in the home, I hate that my perfect child who is s blessing from above has to see the way his dad behaves, I think he is a awful parent, he has zero patience and he yells and acts out worse than my 4 year old. I cringe when I hear him raise his voice and try to " discipline" my child. First off my child loves his dad and when they do spend time together which I feel is way way to little, sitting on the couch staring at his phone or TV doesn't count as quality time. I can see my child is loosing respect for him, I try the best I can in not let my feeling toward his dad be exposed in Front of him, but I am sure he is picking up on how much I can't stand his dad and that I have zero respect for him.

I really am torn with if taking the child away from this and getting a divorce would be the best, I have to say yes because this environment can be toxic. I seriously and going to lose my shit the next time I hear him raise his voice or have a tantrum over something meaningless. I can't even put into words how he behaves it's just simply not right and something is really off in his little tiny pea brain.

He is a horrible example for my child, he never showers he rarely brushes his teeth!!! All his teeth are stained and rotting out because he will sit in the couch and snivel fruit roll ups and skittles down his throat… he had battled addictions time and time again omg it's exhausting! It's was a alcoholic then onto Kratom then weed, and always in turmoil over it all never just at peace and it's affecting me very much and very negatively.

He is the apitomy of a neglectful abusive partner, he has called me every nasty name in the book and then some, and has the nerve to repeatedly in anger tell me that I need to forgive and let it go how he is so sorry and he will never be verbally abusive again…… just to keep on doing the same awful shit over and over and over.

I am stuck our finances are tangled and assets, he is a true asshole and has kept all his kick back savings stashed away for only him.. he can't stand this "man" I really can't, at this point even if he does good I am only going to see bad.

He will come and this is repeatedly get in my personal space and just annoy me, trying to kiss me after he had said the most disgusting thing to me he has insulted my family who have done nothing but shower him with love and lay for our child's daycare!!!

He is jealous of my sisters husband and is a asshole to him, he is juvenile! Who is this idiot in my life!!! Omg. I can't be stuck much longer. Even if he changed and was pure good, which will not happen or it already would have! I don't think I can see anything but the abuse. I can forgive but in the midst of the behavior still happening and the fact he will not listen to a word I say, I have told him time and time again I don't like how he is towards me, he does things like get I my face and is vulgar totally inappropriate I front of a child he has tried to grop me as he walks by…. and it makes me sick.

I hate it I hate it all, he refuses to listen to me on what works for me and what DOESN'T he just keeps on doing the same mean annoying shit…. I am pissed at him for stomping on the love I did have for him. I can't stand who he is.

He will not listen so I am going to have to get away from him, there is no love, no intimacy, non existent sex more, the thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill.

I can't forget I can't go back and erase, I am always going hear those words he had said to me so so so many times… I can't image this is the person I will be sipping coffee with when I am 70! I can't envision that at all.

I have asked him to leave, he won't, he had said he was done and leaving and he won't!! Full of empty threats.

I really want him to feel the pain he had caused and maybe if I end this he can see what he had and what he destroyed maybe then he will see how much pain he caused. He can be alone and I will move on, maybe met a real man one day, way way way down the road I have absolutely no desire the be with anyone intimatly, I now need to work on myself in a BIG way to fix the damage and to just get my head back on track, he brings out the absolute worst in me…

I have never been like this before. He is such a selfish destructive fool! I don't want to have anger I truly don't, enough will be enough and it must been sooner than later, we can't keep on in a loveless sexless negative hellish marriage. We were at a therapy session one time and the dr said for me to give him a compliment and I could not think of one thing to compliment him on… finally i said thank you for cleaning the cats shit box regularly. I can't see anything to compliment! I am blind with anger and resentment and I am just feed up, his attitudes and his under his breath rude rude comments and his games and his stupid face buried in his phone or the tv 24/7. I will pray tonight and I will pray for him and myself and for "us" i Need Divine intervention to save us. I wonder how he would feel if our little one was calling another man dad, I will never stand by and watch my little one call any other women mom I tell you this for damn sure, I will be getting %100 full custody and for the first year I think only supervised visitation.

With all his rehab attempts and doctor terminations and write up st his job( i have No idea how he has kept that job) he lies to me and then he will skip work and golf, he I must have my dad and my brother in law be around my little one as much as possible they are real men in my eyes, selfless, kind, godly men. I would feel comfortable talking about a serious issue I have with my brother in law and not my own husband, if I did I would be handing over ammunition for his malicious retaliation when I finally do split.

Any free time he has we are guaranteed to be way down on the list of his priorities, he spend so much more time smoking in the garage, being stupid high on something, his face buried in some awful murder show or in his phone as he plays Tetris and base ball, he literally throws a fit and will go off on me if he think he isn't going to get to have control over the TV he will go sit in the back bedroom and watch tv if we happen to have a kids movie in or something that he didn't choose, I just hate how he is, he is embarrassing I hate how ignorant and prejudice he is, he makes comments about homosexuality all the time, he makes comments on how it's wrong and blah blah blah all why he watches woman in woman porn and Masterbates on the bathroom floor late at night fucking sick weirdo and hypocrite. He had pissed the bed more times than my 4 year old and had left shit in the towel nomorius times, he is so brain dead he can't remember to flush he probably didn't wipe is nasty ass either. I don't see how I can ever feel the same or even just stand him. He always is bitching st me how we never have sex he totally puts it all on me all while he never tries! he doesn't care or listen to what I like and don't. On our anniversary we had a night alone so rather than try and treat me good and even try to romance me he pops a sleeping pill and passes out. Fool! I really can't stand him! I want out of this, right now, I need to get legal advice and talk to my parents, I just can't keep on like this he really does bring out the worst in me in several ways I just can't have this around us any more.

eBay recent disappointment(s)

Sick of eBay

Global shipping- I will always know now to click this option OFF. Posted my listing and didn't realize global shipping was on, my item sold. I finally figured out the address I was shipping to was a global shipping Hub. I wasted money on FedEx overnight because I had ran a day late getting the items out….. eBay then flags my item saying it is under review for being a prohibited item. I spoke to eBay they had no information on why it was flagged or if it would even be released to continue to delivery. So… wasted on shipping my item is delayed possibly affecting my feedback from the buyer, my buyer seemed irritated with all of it, although I mentioned her location on her eBay profile says U.K. And then on the global shipping update it is actually enroute to Kuwait. So customs and shipping delays – had to mess with!! I really hope that I don't get hit with some crazy shipping charges or something. Blah

Then there is my listing for the .02 bitcoins, I had a "buy it now" offer I had a buyer they paid instantly, I check my PayPal and day their payment had cleared there profile looked great so no worries I sent the bitcoins to the address the " buyer" provided me. All is great! So I thought, Next morning check my email and EBay had informed that the buyer account was hacked and a unauthorized person had made the purchase…. so after several hours of taking to eBay and editing in PayPal to call me back then taking to them… I think I got that all squared away… looks like I will be covered my seller protection and I can't get hit with losing that payment and losing my bitcoin. So PayPal came through but then again I would have rather not had to deal with any of this… so eBay I think I might start trying some other outlets of the same nature.. That my rant for the evening thx

USPS is currently unpredictable and unreliable

I am getting very frustrated with the USPS postal system. As of lately 50% or more of my orders are taking much longer than they use too!!! Drives me nuts… It seems to get hung up at the Chicago Metro Hub, sits for days and/or this facility have shipped my package to the wrong city completely adding more time. I am ordering a time sensitive product and this issue makes it very hard to plan ahead. I would opt for FedEx in a heartbeat even with the cost but I have a PO Box, so leaving me to depend on this horribly incompetent USPSERVICE. I know the humans working at this facility are probably underpaid and don’t give a flying Fuck if a package is late… I guess I am going to have to file a official complaint against this HUB. I sure wish there was a alternative mail service where I live….. so feed up. 

Blogs what are they and who is using them

I hear Blog this and blog that and she is a blogger…. what does all this mean? Who is using blogs and why? I have found it somewhat hard to connect or simply find certain blogs of topic… what is the fuss all about? Do large search engines pull up these blogs? It’s states that the blog is ” public” any experience or advice on the best way to utilize this app WordPress would be helpful. Thank you. 

Women are emotional, rational, creative, loving  beings. Men are physical beings. 

Men need to understand that a woman needs to connect with a man on a emotional trusting level, before she feels comfortable having a intimate relationship. There are always exceptions to this rule but I find this to be the standard with any women worth taking home to momma. 

Why so many men, can be total AHoles and treat their women like shit and still be ready to jump in bed with her, this is not how I work. Once a man has done something to me or repeatedly done something to me that has hurt me, I shut down. I can’t help it, this is how I work. If a man is kind to me and I trust him and we have a physical connection then it’s going to be fabulous. 

My husband is a perfect example. He has changed. He has turned out to be such a negative, verbally abusive, unstable factor in my life now for a couple years… he will unleash a verbal assault on me outta nowhere… this is then followed by ” I am so sorry” ” I didn’t mean any of it” ” I will never talk to you like that again” I have heard it all and hundreds of times… but still happens.

 He can’t grasp that I am hurt and he has done it, there fore I have lost interest in being intamite with him. He can’t even let me get out what has hurt me , before he is jumping down my throat about his needs. If he wants a intamite relationship with me, then I suggest he learns to listen and treat me right, till then his needs will go unfulfilled by ME. Period.

 I don’t care at this point. I am not sure I would care if he wondered off and got it somewhere else.  He can go treat someone else like shit. 

If I could do it all again, I would still have got pregnant, but would have waited on the marriage part. I think once you have a child and are living together the real person shows up. I would have waited to met this person and made sure we still loved rach other before making such a large commitment.