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Who is this person I married?

My life

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I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes. 

First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.

Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway. 

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What plant is this talk one??

What to do when you feel like you hate your significant other

I married a man that was so nice and kind seemed so willing to help, never felt uncomfortable around him, we laughed and I trusted him.

Now I don’t know who this man is. He looks different, there is no glimpse of the man I once knew and loved.

Daily I have been the victim of his jabs and negativity, he became so selfish and verbally abusive. Insults big or small I am enduring every single day. He claims “ well I have been nice” ya right this person is incapable of being kind to me.

He gets to frustrated that I have now build walls, I don’t feel comfortable around him at all, I don’t want him to touch me, I can’t stand to daily hear his negative tone bitching about anything and everything. He is unhappy and looks at me to change to make him change.. he is so twisted and sick. I have a 5 years old with him and we all live here together, we not work a lot. It’s just turned into a toxic environment and I worry about my child. I worry about my child watching his dads Awful behaviors!

I hate the word divorce, I don’t want to split family but I don’t see him changing and I will never feels attracted to him being the man he is today. I could go on and on what a asshole he is… he makes fun of men who spoil their wives , he is so putout if asked to do anything and will never do anything willingly. It’s exhausting!

He had become a nightmare to live with. It’s affecting me more and more… I feel trapped, I feel like I have become someone I never wanted to be. Just last night I heard for the 10th time “ I am going to go fuck someone else” I feel like ok good, stop making empty threats and go do it! Treat someone else like total shit, you ignorant dumb, selfish, abusive asshole. Good riddance.

I would take his name if the child’s birth certificate if I could. We deserve better than to be miserable and abused by some little insecure asshole. He cusses people out over nothing because it makes him feel bigger and better, he has a size complex and it’s obvious and he has become so unattractive to me! I will never sleep with this person again.

I would be fine if he would up and go as he threatens to do so much, I will be fine alone.

Maybe even someday find a real man to share this life with, not some small little insecure abusive pig!

Dealing with a verbally abuse spouse.

Verbal abuse is never justified. Verbal abuse is a extremely damaging form of abuse that leaves deep wounds that can take a life time to heal.

Don’t believe ” I am sorry” “never again”. It will happen again. Words hurt and they are cheap. Actions speak volumes to if one is capable or willing to change. Don’t believe the names the abuser calls you and don’t believe his “never agains”. Sadly most don’t change.

Rationalizing your side and trying to understand a abusive persons thinking will only leads to more abuse and extreme frustration. Abusers will not see your point or rational thought process. Stop trying to understand. It’s not possible because they don’t make sense.

It is very hard to try and help, change or confront these types of people. It can feel like they are literally driving you crazy, they are and they will. Stop and don’t engage. Don’t respond to insults nothing. Walks away.. don’t give them your time or happiness. Most all name callers are hiding something. Don’t let anyone steal your inner peace. Don’t be reactive, don’t waste time. This is their illness and they need professionals long term psycho therapy.

Easier said than done. Try and let all the anger towards them go.. it’s only hurting you. Children’s should never be exposed to spousal abuse. Sadly chances are if he will turn on you he will eventually turn on the child. Raging, no patience, name calling. All these traits are very serious and remove yourself and the child from the abuser immediately and if possible permanently. You can’t argue or understand with crazy.. and that is just what these people are.

Here’s Why “Reactive Abuse” Is The Narcissist’s and Psychopath’s Favorite Move

I found this in my journey of gathering knowledge on verbal abuse and specifically living with a verbally abusive husband. I can’t lie when I had an epiphany in regards to my husband and his behavior matching a abuser to the T! It made my stomach sink! I unfortunately have ” been reactive ” in a handful of the 100s of verbal attacks I have been on the receiving end off from him. I am trying to save this marriage once and for all. I have learned he was a child of abuse so this has all become more difficult. Verbal abuse is never justified. You can’t rationalize with a abuser this only leads to more insults and will cause extreme frustration, a abuser doesn’t have the capability to rationalize in less it’s to justify their own abuse. Don’t waste you time, don’t engage and walk away. Don’t be reactive it only gives the abuser more amo to launch on you.

Here’s Why “Reactive Abuse” Is The Narcissist’s and Psychopath’s Favorite Move

April 27, 2017 Admin

A very common aspect of psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before.

But right now I want to address the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt, and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused.

The endure so much for so long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is very very uncommon in victims of abuse.

The abuser jumps on this reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they can, and as hard as they can.

They are not interested in talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it.

While the abuser is the actual time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even see it themselves.

The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the victim.

This leads the victim to believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves as such and seeking help for these problems.

If they break away from the abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then launches. Partially because they believe they -were- wrong.

This does not mean that the reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence. However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it.

I don’t think it’s fair to call Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that causes detriment to the mental and physical well being of the victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim.

A good way to tell a victim who reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions.

Victims will almost always be able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers behaviors are, in fact abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!).

Abusers will almost never admit they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense. (Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims illness is proof they are in the wrong).

The most dangerous, most intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details, by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after all)”.

Via ReportFella

Divorce attorney

So I made contact with a very established attorney. I get very depressed when I think about it. I am supposed to call him for a free consult tomorrow.

I can’t keep on with this marriage as it’s been. It so unhealthy. I can’t help but to be so angry with him for doing this. Yes HIM, I totally feel he has done irreversible damage. I never would have imagined he would be like this…

I hate that he does this stuff in front of our child.

He makes me sick. I will never want him to touch me ever again. So I don’t have a choice this is over.

Mushrooms in garden?

weird spore things…

I took this late last night, strange mushroom things popped up in one of my gardens. I have seen similar in this garden before but just thought these were particularly weird. I went out today around noon and remembered them, went to take a look and they were gone… just weird.

Saw another one similar tonight in a different garden. I will see if this one is magically gone tomorrow… now if it is.. that is just really strange and I will return to post about it lol . Nothing else’s was disturbed and these things are tiny. Don’t think any rodents would bother with them.. maybe insects.. I would think they would make anything sick😷 mushrooms are such a strange and gross fungi, some magical, some editable although I say no thank you. ALL just gross and weird. IMO.

ok now off to bed to watch a little real housewives and crash out next to my precious little angel child, he is a little angel 😇 I am so forever grateful and thankful that I get to be his momma.

Next day.. it was gone lol. I read they dry up super quick when sun hits. lol I think they are so gross!

When the victim of verbal abuse lashes back

I have been verbally assaulted and treated like shit, have had to put up with such unacceptable selfish behavior from this idiot that some how has ended up my “husband” I can’t stand him.

This asshole is so put out by everything, he has no business being a parent. I can’t stand him. Everything he says, he does or DOESN’T DO says I can’t stand.

He makes me want to escape he brings the absolute worse out of me, noway had he brought out anything good. He makes my life harder always.

I am beyond sick of his mouth, I just ripped into him the other day, I hate that I stooped to his level, but I guess I had to speak his language for him to hear me. He had acted like I was so out of line and has seemed a bit rattle by my outburst. He said ” well this isn’t going to work you can’t talk to me like this” I laughed right in his dumb looking face.

I don’t want to talk to people like that i don’t want to be angry, he is impossible for me to get along with. I hate it when he try’s to touch me in anyway.

I hate that he took the love I once had for him and stomped on, it ripped it to shreds, and set it on fire.

Our child and myself deserve better than this. I am going to have to get my shit together and get out of this relationship.

I wrote the just last night, freshly irritated, rereading it now I feel the same. If I think to much about this mess and how much stress getting out of this is going to bring, it just about gives me a panic attack. I am so blinded by anger, I can’t see anything good, I can’t hear him, I don’t want to even be in the same room with him.

Omg my husband is a total bafoon!!!

If you have even glanced at my blog, you know I am in a horrible stagnant marriage. This BAFOON has no control over his anger and he is angry 24/7/365, clearly he is unhappy as well, I can’t look at him with any but disgust do to the huge Laundry list of terrible things he has done and still does to myself and our child.

We took our child to the fair tonight, I said to him as we were pulling out to go, i want this to be good happy memory’s for the child, so no arguing no fighting nothing, just be fake if you must just make it a good night for him.

So the idiot was somewhat tolerable during the fair, it must of been killing him because on the ride home he acts like a reckless fool! He get involved in some type of road rage from a car “riding his ass” so he acts like a fool threatening to tap his breaks he is speeding he is cutting over, he could have really hurt us.

He is already known to be a horrible driver he has had two wrecks that we’re his fault in the last year. I don’t ever want to ride with him or let my child ride with him. This ” man” is so messed up in the head, I don’t see how he makes it through life. He is as dumb as a box of rocks and so damn angry, selfish, self centered, self serving. All of it, he is put out by doing anything. He is lazy as fuck, calls into work with “migraines” OFTEN, has been wrote up at his job for talking disrespectful to his manager.

I can’t stand his parents either, they had a huge part in all 4 of their kids having relationship and life problems as adults. But He is grown now and should no better. I can’t have my son think this is a good example of a human being. It’s not! I want to scream and yell this is NOT what you don’t act like!! I said that In the truck tonight, about how he was cussing and irrationally driving he could have hurt us!!! my god I can’t help but to see nothing but a asshole and I am blinded by anger. I can’t keep on like this.

It’s not that easy to just get a divorce either, I am also really worried about how my child would be affected by that, but this isn’t ok either….. I can’t stand this man. I may be some type of glutton for punishment or some twisted shit, he brings out the worst in me, I never thought it was even possible that I could dislike someone this much.