I married a man that was so nice and kind seemed so willing to help, never felt uncomfortable around him, we laughed and I trusted him.
Now I don’t know who this man is. He looks different, there is no glimpse of the man I once knew and loved.
Daily I have been the victim of his jabs and negativity, he became so selfish and verbally abusive. Insults big or small I am enduring every single day. He claims “ well I have been nice” ya right this person is incapable of being kind to me.
He gets to frustrated that I have now build walls, I don’t feel comfortable around him at all, I don’t want him to touch me, I can’t stand to daily hear his negative tone bitching about anything and everything. He is unhappy and looks at me to change to make him change.. he is so twisted and sick. I have a 5 years old with him and we all live here together, we not work a lot. It’s just turned into a toxic environment and I worry about my child. I worry about my child watching his dads Awful behaviors!
I hate the word divorce, I don’t want to split family but I don’t see him changing and I will never feels attracted to him being the man he is today. I could go on and on what a asshole he is… he makes fun of men who spoil their wives , he is so putout if asked to do anything and will never do anything willingly. It’s exhausting!
He had become a nightmare to live with. It’s affecting me more and more… I feel trapped, I feel like I have become someone I never wanted to be. Just last night I heard for the 10th time “ I am going to go fuck someone else” I feel like ok good, stop making empty threats and go do it! Treat someone else like total shit, you ignorant dumb, selfish, abusive asshole. Good riddance.
I would take his name if the child’s birth certificate if I could. We deserve better than to be miserable and abused by some little insecure asshole. He cusses people out over nothing because it makes him feel bigger and better, he has a size complex and it’s obvious and he has become so unattractive to me! I will never sleep with this person again.
I would be fine if he would up and go as he threatens to do so much, I will be fine alone.
Maybe even someday find a real man to share this life with, not some small little insecure abusive pig!
Verbal abuse is never justified. Verbal abuse is a extremely damaging form of abuse that leaves deep wounds that can take a life time to heal.
Don’t believe ” I am sorry” “never again”. It will happen again. Words hurt and they are cheap. Actions speak volumes to if one is capable or willing to change. Don’t believe the names the abuser calls you and don’t believe his “never agains”. Sadly most don’t change.
Rationalizing your side and trying to understand a abusive persons thinking will only leads to more abuse and extreme frustration. Abusers will not see your point or rational thought process. Stop trying to understand. It’s not possible because they don’t make sense.
It is very hard to try and help, change or confront these types of people. It can feel like they are literally driving you crazy, they are and they will. Stop and don’t engage. Don’t respond to insults nothing. Walks away.. don’t give them your time or happiness. Most all name callers are hiding something. Don’t let anyone steal your inner peace. Don’t be reactive, don’t waste time. This is their illness and they need professionals long term psycho therapy.
Easier said than done. Try and let all the anger towards them go.. it’s only hurting you. Children’s should never be exposed to spousal abuse. Sadly chances are if he will turn on you he will eventually turn on the child. Raging, no patience, name calling. All these traits are very serious and remove yourself and the child from the abuser immediately and if possible permanently. You can’t argue or understand with crazy.. and that is just what these people are.
I found this in my journey of gathering knowledge on verbal abuse and specifically living with a verbally abusive husband. I can’t lie when I had an epiphany in regards to my husband and his behavior matching a abuser to the T! It made my stomach sink! I unfortunately have ” been reactive ” in a handful of the 100s of verbal attacks I have been on the receiving end off from him. I am trying to save this marriage once and for all. I have learned he was a child of abuse so this has all become more difficult. Verbal abuse is never justified. You can’t rationalize with a abuser this only leads to more insults and will cause extreme frustration, a abuser doesn’t have the capability to rationalize in less it’s to justify their own abuse. Don’t waste you time, don’t engage and walk away. Don’t be reactive it only gives the abuser more amo to launch on you.
Here’s Why “Reactive Abuse” Is The Narcissist’s and Psychopath’s Favorite Move
A very common aspect of psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before.
But right now I want to address the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt, and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused.
The endure so much for so long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is very very uncommon in victims of abuse.
The abuser jumps on this reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they can, and as hard as they can.
They are not interested in talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it.
While the abuser is the actual time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even see it themselves.
The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the victim.
This leads the victim to believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves as such and seeking help for these problems.
If they break away from the abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then launches. Partially because they believe they -were- wrong.
This does not mean that the reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence. However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it.
I don’t think it’s fair to call Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that causes detriment to the mental and physical well being of the victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim.
A good way to tell a victim who reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions.
Victims will almost always be able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers behaviors are, in fact abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!).
Abusers will almost never admit they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense. (Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims illness is proof they are in the wrong).
The most dangerous, most intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details, by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after all)”.