Kratom can be a problem

I really have had enough of Kratom and this marriage . I don’t care what any one says, living with a abusive person can bring out the worst in you.


When I first tried this stuff I had been prescribed a large quantity of hydros every month for years, I was interested in a more natural approach to the TMJ I had been diagnosed with, I honestly and not even sure that diagnosis is correct but Kratom at first was fine.. worked fairly well and I didn’t think about needing pain meds… I was making tea out of Bali, then a few months in the manager at the store I was getting it at suggested I try a meang da extract and whoooaa I felt it…. thousands of dollars and several years later, I am still taking this stuff and I actually still get relief from anxiety, depression, pain, PMS, and sleep issues it really is a pretty amazing herb, but with that said I am taking a tincture and it costs a lot. I have noticed if I stop taking it or run out every symptom I described comes back all at once 10 fold. This then triggers paying the more money and getting more and on and on and on …. I am really just tired of it, tired of making sure to order it and spending all my pay checks… it’s just stupid. I do not believe that these Tinctures are equivalent to as many grams as the Internet says, no way. I can still get relief from plain leaf, so I just don’t believe the strength, maybe it does take 3000grams of playing leaf to make a 50ml tincture but much potency is lost in process. That is my opinion. I also feel I am so miserable in my marriage and that is driving me to have a escape and just deal with this abusive, hatful,  mean person I still live with. I am going to have to jump off this Kratom ride pretty soon, I can’t keep on with this type of growing habit for money and just mental health. I know I can do it, it’s just being motivated and executing a solid plan. I need time and really not be living with a total A-hole to really do this right. I am thinking I will taper a long taper as I have better experience with going this route, yes it does drag it out but I hate the anxiety and the basically wanting to not get out of bed for a day or two that will come with getting this out of my system. So I will make one last large purchase and cut all dosing by half, I will then introduce powder again and then leave the tincture then finally leave the powder.. I don’t know what I will do if I get pain, I suppose the hydros but the Kratom had really blown my tolerance out of the water, so I would really be lucky to get any relief from that. I just want to feel good again and feel good naturally, like the way I did a few years back, getting the endorphins flowing from exercise and actually wanting to have a social life… well somewhat, I have always been more introverted and a home body, but these days I dread going to weddings and birthdays really just about anything, I know ALOT of why I am taking this stuff as much as I am truly has to do with my husband, I really can’t believe who he turned out to be, this is not the same man I married and had a child with. He has changed. He went down a pretty dark road with Kratom just this year he quit it, so I don’t tell him or expose him to the Tinctures I take, also he is very malicious and I wouldn’t dare tell him something like what I am going thru withthis stuff   because he would tell the world and throw it in my face any chance he got, like if we end up divorcing, yeah hell no! I can’t trust him. I know this sounds like I am pushing blame, but while I know I am an adult and I am being irresponsible, if I weren’t in such a mess of a marriage and literally not being able to stand being around this person, I know I wouldn’t be doing this like I am. He kills me with how hateful he is, like just crushes my spirit, he has called me every name in the book to many times to count. He is one of those ” I am sorry ” people but keeps on doing the crap he is ” sorry ” for…. blah he has destroyed our relationship and my love. We went to a therapist just today, I guess a last ditch effort type of deal…. and he just doesn’t get it… I have never had to deal with such a irrational, selfish, delusional, mentally ill person in my life!!! I know me spending on this is awful and hurting me just as much, but I almost don’t care that I am spending the money and running up credit, it’s almost like it’s a way for me to lash back or defend myself from the monster I have seen so so many times… I can’t even put into words, what this ” man ” has put me through…. the failed rehab attempts that cost us several grand, the lies , the verbal abuse is beyond unacceptable!  and I have also seen how his family almost justifies it and pushes blame as well, to his mother who I feel is to blame largely for how he has turned and treats people… she let these kids 4 of them grow up with verbal abuse and neglect and cheating, racism you name it… she keeps these inncocent kids in this awful household then divorces the creep after they all move out at 18. I don’t get it, just drag them through all that just to then remove yourself?? I don’t want my child to think his behaviors are even the tiniest bit acceptable… and he has already seen fights and the ignorant statements that come out of his mouth…. I can’t believe I married this ” man” what was I on? What was I thinking? What!!??? Either I was blind or he was a totally different person , probably some of both. When I married him and had a child, I never imagined he would treat me the way he does today. Never. I feel like I have been tricked. I feel like he has brought out the worst in me. I feel like he has abused me to the point I may never look at relationships the same again. I honestly would rather be alone then with him. What a mess!!! I am ever so grateful for my child and my good job, if I can just get away from him without him making it next to impossible and leave this Kratom habit far in the past, I would be high on life! It just sounds so so so exhausting to try and divorce and get off this stuff, it’s almost easier to just stay put, but I have had enough. I think it’s time to stop being selfish and irresponsible and putting myself through this , I hate those traits in him, I don’t want to be the hypocrite like  he is either… so maybe I can keep the peace in the home long enough to get mentally strong and clean from this stuff and then I can’t do this anymore , even if he changed and was the nicest man ever, the damage is done… I can figure but how do you forget??? I mean when I look at him there is not even a smidge of attraction, I actually feel the opposite. Like totally repelled, I have told him over the years, you are doing serious damage to this relationship and I guess he just didn’t hear or believe me or most likely doesn’t care. I just don’t see how I could ever want to touch him again! We have a nonexistent love life, I really can’t believe we are still living together, and it’s not because I haven’t said anything, I wanted him out done please leave! He loves to make the threat that he is leaving he has told me so many times how he is “done” he “is leaving”   And he just won’t he never follows through , I wish he wouldn’t make these empty threats, I wish he would just do what you say! Leave! he is going to make it as hard as possible because that just what he does. He makes me fucking sick. 

I believe living with a negative abusive person can bring addiction to their partners. 

Need to formulate a plan

I live with a person that I know longer know. I am not sure how to get out of this marriage. We have intertwined finances and a young child. 

When will enough be enough, we are literally roommates that don’t get along. I have zero attraction to him, I cringe at the thought of him touching me at all. He is so mean to me, has said some of the most abusive nasty things to me for a few years now, he apologies and keeps on haveing these outbursts. He has destroyed my love for him. 

How did I not see who he was in the beginning? I never would have imagined he would test me this way. I see now we are totally opposite. He makes ignorant close minded prejudice comments about anyone or anything that is different from him. He is rude and has zero common sense… I have just seen enough. 

I have been honest with him, I have said I want to separate, and he will cry and plead saying he will treat me the way I deserve… blah blah blah it never changes…. he bitches at me everyday… about anything and everything. I take to long washing my face, I don’t get the toddler to bed early enough, I go shopping to long , shower to long…. I don’t leave his lighter in the same damn spot… I mean it’s everything! He then can still say with a straight face that he is being nice and has changed…. I think he needs to ask for money back from the pricey anger management therapist he has been going to because that shit is not a workin. 

A bigger last verbal attack was a week ago, he played hookie from work…. I found this out because our phones are linked and could see he was at my family lake house….. I asked him what was going on. Knowing that so he went there to lay down and nap! Yes nap! He does these things, calls into work this is another story… so he doesn’t respond (because he thinking up a lie), and comes up with,” I was decorating and brought a gift up here for our anniversary”. First, we don’t get along and going to the lake house with him sounds like hell. We had not talked about this or made plans for the child or to go at all! For all we knew my family was using it. When he knew I wasn’t believing his BS yet again, he went the F off on me!

 I am just so sick of living with a unstable abusive person. The Ups and Downs…. he can tear into me saying the most insulting things I have ever heard and a hour later some up and try to kiss in me and when I don’t return the gesture he then lashes out again and stomps off! 

Such a abusive person omg. I look back through a App Journal I have and it’s like every few days I am typing in what he has done or said and it’s been going on years now! . And the thing is, I really haven’t done anything for him to even be mildly upset about! I work hard at my fulltime job, make money, care for the child the house the bills… I don’t go out to bars or drink or run with the girls for nights out…. he doesn’t appreciate anything in me or what he has. 

It’s just a matter of time before his job is feed up. I will have to post about his Kratom addiction and how he literally took 2 months off from LIFE! He has made my life much harder rather than easier that’s for sure. 

I have put all sorts of walls up with him, I have been self medicating more than ever lately and this sounds like a cop – out excuse but honestly I feel I need to be altered in my thinking to stand to be around him! I know I would not be dabbling this much if I was happy or if I was just not around him having to be bitched and and verbally abused and told how disgusting I am.  I will get into that issue later…. I just need to come up with a plan and stick to it, I am going to be 40 this year, and I feel I would be so much happier and healthier with no one rather than with him. 

Who is this person I married?

My life

I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes. 

First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.

Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway. 

What plant is this talk one??