Medical Marijuana in my home state. 

I may have some things to work on in my life like my “marriage” but I am so grateful for my child and family and then Job! I work remotely and really don’t know what I would do without this job, the company and my coworkers are the best I could have ever asked for!! 

I live in a state where Medical Marijuana has just become legal… I don’t smoke weed and I personally have never had any benefits from trying it, but millions have including a very close friend, so now that it’s legal in the Bible Belt, never thought I would see the day. I wonder what it would take to start up a dispensary? I am sure I can fill my head with some knowledgeable info from Google…  I have heard stories of dispensary owner having to keep all their money in cash form in a volt hidden away somewhere due to the threat of the federal government up and deciding they want it due to how it was earned. 

Could this be worth investing in? I would think, I would have to partner up with a farmer who can grow every badass strain possible and then find a nice professional place to sell it, then who are the doctors that are prescribing it? The internet says they must be a MD with a active license…. I can’t imagine there are just hundreds of MDd in line for this job, but maybe I wrong…. I found this pic showing a dispensary under construction in this state, it states and RECREATIONAL? This I have not heard to be true…. not sure why that says that honestly… wishful thinking maybe. 

How do you connect with others on here?

How does Wordpress work?

I am totally new to this site and have made a few posts. I discovered in a attempt to find other posts about a topic that mine will not show up in a search, even if I type the title word for word. So what’s the process on here? How do people see your posts? What is this site all about? 

Kratom can be a problem

I really have had enough of Kratom and this marriage . I don’t care what any one says, living with a abusive person can bring out the worst in you.

When I first tried this stuff I had been prescribed a large quantity of hydros every month for years, I was interested in a more natural approach to the TMJ I had been diagnosed with, I honestly and not even sure that diagnosis is correct but Kratom at first was fine.. worked fairly well and I didn’t think about needing pain meds… I was making tea out of Bali, then a few months in the manager at the store I was getting it at suggested I try a meang da extract and whoooaa I felt it…. thousands of dollars and several years later, I am still taking this stuff and I actually still get relief from anxiety, depression, pain, PMS, and sleep issues it really is a pretty amazing herb, but with that said I am taking a tincture and it costs a lot. I have noticed if I stop taking it or run out every symptom I described comes back all at once 10 fold. This then triggers paying the more money and getting more and on and on and on …. I am really just tired of it, tired of making sure to order it and spending all my pay checks… it’s just stupid. I do not believe that these Tinctures are equivalent to as many grams as the Internet says, no way. I can still get relief from plain leaf, so I just don’t believe the strength, maybe it does take 3000grams of playing leaf to make a 50ml tincture but much potency is lost in process. That is my opinion. I also feel I am so miserable in my marriage and that is driving me to have a escape and just deal with this abusive, hatful,  mean person I still live with. I am going to have to jump off this Kratom ride pretty soon, I can’t keep on with this type of growing habit for money and just mental health. I know I can do it, it’s just being motivated and executing a solid plan. I need time and really not be living with a total A-hole to really do this right. I am thinking I will taper a long taper as I have better experience with going this route, yes it does drag it out but I hate the anxiety and the basically wanting to not get out of bed for a day or two that will come with getting this out of my system. So I will make one last large purchase and cut all dosing by half, I will then introduce powder again and then leave the tincture then finally leave the powder.. I don’t know what I will do if I get pain, I suppose the hydros but the Kratom had really blown my tolerance out of the water, so I would really be lucky to get any relief from that. I just want to feel good again and feel good naturally, like the way I did a few years back, getting the endorphins flowing from exercise and actually wanting to have a social life… well somewhat, I have always been more introverted and a home body, but these days I dread going to weddings and birthdays really just about anything, I know ALOT of why I am taking this stuff as much as I am truly has to do with my husband, I really can’t believe who he turned out to be, this is not the same man I married and had a child with. He has changed. He went down a pretty dark road with Kratom just this year he quit it, so I don’t tell him or expose him to the Tinctures I take, also he is very malicious and I wouldn’t dare tell him something like what I am going thru withthis stuff   because he would tell the world and throw it in my face any chance he got, like if we end up divorcing, yeah hell no! I can’t trust him. I know this sounds like I am pushing blame, but while I know I am an adult and I am being irresponsible, if I weren’t in such a mess of a marriage and literally not being able to stand being around this person, I know I wouldn’t be doing this like I am. He kills me with how hateful he is, like just crushes my spirit, he has called me every name in the book to many times to count. He is one of those ” I am sorry ” people but keeps on doing the crap he is ” sorry ” for…. blah he has destroyed our relationship and my love. We went to a therapist just today, I guess a last ditch effort type of deal…. and he just doesn’t get it… I have never had to deal with such a irrational, selfish, delusional, mentally ill person in my life!!! I know me spending on this is awful and hurting me just as much, but I almost don’t care that I am spending the money and running up credit, it’s almost like it’s a way for me to lash back or defend myself from the monster I have seen so so many times… I can’t even put into words, what this ” man ” has put me through…. the failed rehab attempts that cost us several grand, the lies , the verbal abuse is beyond unacceptable!  and I have also seen how his family almost justifies it and pushes blame as well, to his mother who I feel is to blame largely for how he has turned and treats people… she let these kids 4 of them grow up with verbal abuse and neglect and cheating, racism you name it… she keeps these inncocent kids in this awful household then divorces the creep after they all move out at 18. I don’t get it, just drag them through all that just to then remove yourself?? I don’t want my child to think his behaviors are even the tiniest bit acceptable… and he has already seen fights and the ignorant statements that come out of his mouth…. I can’t believe I married this ” man” what was I on? What was I thinking? What!!??? Either I was blind or he was a totally different person , probably some of both. When I married him and had a child, I never imagined he would treat me the way he does today. Never. I feel like I have been tricked. I feel like he has brought out the worst in me. I feel like he has abused me to the point I may never look at relationships the same again. I honestly would rather be alone then with him. What a mess!!! I am ever so grateful for my child and my good job, if I can just get away from him without him making it next to impossible and leave this Kratom habit far in the past, I would be high on life! It just sounds so so so exhausting to try and divorce and get off this stuff, it’s almost easier to just stay put, but I have had enough. I think it’s time to stop being selfish and irresponsible and putting myself through this , I hate those traits in him, I don’t want to be the hypocrite like  he is either… so maybe I can keep the peace in the home long enough to get mentally strong and clean from this stuff and then I can’t do this anymore , even if he changed and was the nicest man ever, the damage is done… I can figure but how do you forget??? I mean when I look at him there is not even a smidge of attraction, I actually feel the opposite. Like totally repelled, I have told him over the years, you are doing serious damage to this relationship and I guess he just didn’t hear or believe me or most likely doesn’t care. I just don’t see how I could ever want to touch him again! We have a nonexistent love life, I really can’t believe we are still living together, and it’s not because I haven’t said anything, I wanted him out done please leave! He loves to make the threat that he is leaving he has told me so many times how he is “done” he “is leaving”   And he just won’t he never follows through , I wish he wouldn’t make these empty threats, I wish he would just do what you say! Leave! he is going to make it as hard as possible because that just what he does. He makes me fucking sick. 

A “case study” from a student on mental illness and abuse 

The characteristics on a “abuser” in this write up may not be all factual or may be, but dead on! Describes my husband exactly!

I copy and pasted this “paper” I found online in so the formatting may have got a little whacked out. But this description of “abuser” is so dead on from my experience! 

Mental illness and Abusive behavior fact based case study 2017.
Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners. If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviors need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behavior. If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

The following questions may help you figure out whether what you’re partner is doing is abuse or abuse with mental illness:

● Does my partner yell or scream at others (friends, coworkers, family members) outside of our relationship?
● Does my partner make others check in to see where they’re at and who they’re with?
● Does my partner make unfulfilled promises to others of change.
● Does my partner apologize to others then continue the same abusive treatments?
● Does my partner hit or verbally assault others outside of our relationship?
● Does my partner minimize or verbally tear down others?
● Does my partner pressure others to do things that they aren’t okay with?
● Does my partner make threats to others when they say something my partner doesn’t agree with?
● Does my partner have documented reprimandation, termination or legal issues surrounding their behavior?
● Does my partner speak inappropriately in groups of people to embarrass or hurt others?
● Does your partner get jealous or have bursts of rage when others speak of a certain topic?
If you answered no to most of the questions, then most likely your partner is abusive without mental illness. If you answered yes to most of the questions, then it’s possible your partner is abusive and also may be experiencing some form of mental health issue or illness. There are resources that can help, and it’s a good idea to connect with a support network that might include counselors or support groups that can help you figure out your options.
A abusive partner
● Will burst into jealous or irrational rages over topics you may appear to have interest in.
● Are extremely judgemental and narrow minded.
● Makes accusations that are without merit.
● Makes threats to leave the relationship but will never follow through.
● Makes comments how someone else can satisfy their needs.
● Make everything about them.
● Feeds on creating or emerging themselves in drama.
● Is very critical of you but fails to see their own behaviors.
● Abusers have no patience.
Abusers may irrationally argue with a young child and are not capable of parenting especially being a disciplinary. Abusers are often stuck at a young emotional level, usually when abuse occurred in their life is when they stopped maturing in all ways with the exception of physical. Abusers will yell and scream at their partners about the child’s behavior and push blame on the victim in front of the child. Most children of abusers end up not knowing or hating the abusive parent.
Abusers are hypocrites. Abusers are extremely jealous. Abusers are extremely insecure and have low self-esteem, abusing their partners physically, verbally or emotionally is their way of trying to build themselves up.
Abuse does not go both ways. One is the abuser and the other the victim. Abusers will tell their partners they are the victim in an attempt to justify their behavior. Domestic violence, also known as Intimate Partner Violence, is an extremely complicated, multi-faceted issue. Studies widely identify women as victimized more often than men by their intimate partners,i but men can be victims of intimate partner violence, too, and women may use violence within relationships. What is often harder to determine, especially when both people in a relationship use violence, is who may be the core abuser and who may be the primary victim.Throughout our research, we were unable to find data that quantified how often women were identified as the primary abuser in the relationship. Anecdotally, we know they exist, but we were unable to find statistics that clarified how prevalent they may be. It can be implied that men are more often victimized by men and women are the abuser to other women in intimate relationships, but we were not able to quantify that, nor in cases where men are the primary victim with a female abuser.
Throughout our research, we were unable to find data that quantified how often women were identified as the primary abuser in the relationship. Anecdotally, we know they exist, but we were unable to find statistics that clarified how prevalent they may be. It can be implied that men are more often victimized by men and women are the abuser to other women in intimate relationships, but we were not able to quantify that, nor in cases where men are the primary victim with a female abuser.
Characteristics of Victims and Why Victims May Use Force of Violence within an Intimate Relationship
Over time, the victim becomes more and more oppressed by the abuser and may do whatever they can to not agitate or displease their partner. In other instances, Victims of violence often retaliate and resist domination and battering by using force themselves. Victims may use violence or force in effort to:
1. Escape and/or stop violence that is being perpetrated against them, and against escalating abuse.
2. Establish a semblance of equivalence in the relationship as a method of protecting themselves and their children
In relationships where domestic violence exists, violence is not equal, even if the victim fights back or instigates violence in effort diffuse a situation. Violence on victims’ part is in larger part resistance to ongoing battering.
Characteristics of Resistive/Reactive Abuse:
● The target resistive violence is specific: the violator or abuser;
● Reactive violence/abuse is used to stop and/or escape ongoing battering. It may be considered by the victim as a form of self-protection.
● Reactive violence/abuse is often used by victims to reclaim and restore dignity and integrity that is destroyed by the batterer by their systematic abuse.
● The motivation behind the use of such tactics is to retaliate and/or resist the abuse. Such tactics may also be used with the intention of stopping future abuse.
● Targets of resistive abuse generally hold the key to their own protection. That is, by stopping their own abuse against their victims, they would also end their partner’s’ use of resistance abuse towards them;
● Reactive abuse is rarely the first or only tactic used by victims of ongoing abuse. Victims often use a variety of other methods to stop or reduce abuse, such as:
● Negotiation
● Threats to withdraw from the relationship or leave the abuser.
● Solicit help from others, family, ,friends, clergy, and police;
● Threats to expose the offender to shame him to end abuse.
● Threats to hurt the offender emotionally
In brief, a victim’s reactions to abuse fall into three classes:
• Coping (e.g., placating the abuser, enduring, etc.),
• Managing (e.g., anticipate abusers’ moods, modify own behavior so as not to arouse anger in abuser, attempt to control situations that lead to violence, divert attention from the abuse through religion or other activities, etc.),
• Resisting (e.g., create consequences for abuser such as arrest, seek outside help, hit back or strike preemptively, take other overt and covert actions to end or escape the abuse, etc.).
Domestic violence affects all aspects of a victim’s life. When abuse victims are able to safely escape and remain free from their abuser, they often survive with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects to their mental and physical health; relationships with friends, family, and children, their career and their economic well-being.
Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may:
• Want the abuse to end, but not the relationship
• Feel isolated
• Feel depressed
• Feel helpless
• Be unaware of what services are available to help them
• Be embarrassed of their situation
• Deny or minimize the abuse or make excuses for the abuser
• Withdraw emotionally
• Distance themselves from family or friends
• Distance themselves from family or friends
• Be impulsive or aggressive
• Feel guilt related to the relationship
• Have anxiety
• Abuse alcohol or drugs
• Be hopeful that their abuser will change and/or stop the abuse
One of the most important mitigating factors in determining who is the primary abuser when abuse is used by both partners in a relationship is when each partner ends their use of abuse; the victim’s use of abuse ends when the relationship ends or the abuser stops using abuse. The abuser will continue to abuse their victim indefinitely and often more intensely as they feel a loss of control over their victim, either within the relationship, or when it ends. For far too many, this is when the victim is in the most danger; when the victim becomes more withdrawn, distant or gone the more the abuser feels they are losing them, the more abusive they may become.
While data proves women are most often the victims of abuse in intimate relationships, again, anyone can be abused and anyone can be abusive. Understanding the dynamics of both abusers and victims is key to determining who is doing what to whom in a relationship.
● Look at history of abuse in each partner
● Look at other abusive relationships each partner has been involved in
● Look at abusive episodes between each partner’s friends and family
● Look at each partner’s temperament
● Look at any work related reprimanded actions in each partner
● Look at each partner’s history with legal actions due to abuse.
More Characteristics and tactics used by abusers
A abusers will find pleasure in taunting their victims in hopes to engage their partner into a confrontation in an attempt to push blame on the victim and justify their abuse. Victims may voice certain behaviors they find unacceptable this will drive the abuser to continue this behavior. Abusers may express a kind gesture or give a victim a compliment knowing the victim is hurt, damaged and withdraw, when the abuser doesn’t get a reaction from the victim that they feel they are owed, this in an abuser’s mind justifies the claim of feeling some form of rejection and then free to lash-out, this is a manipulative tactic from beginning to end knowing the reaction they will receive from the start is what drives the un-heartfelt words to be said. This source of “rejection” will feed an abusers abuse even after the manipulation tactic may be exposed. Abusers are statistically under average intelligence. This could partially explain the repeat use of of such a tactic and knowing the outcome. Abusers often are racist and prejudiced towards any group that is different from the abuser.
Psychical and Verbal abuse affect the same part of the brain. Verbal and emotional abuse take much longer to heal and end up leaving permanent scars.
If in a abusive dating relationship leave it immediately. If in a marriage take action to remove the abuser from the household and separated from any children immediately to prevent the abusive cycle from continuing then sort out what legal actions are needed to prevent the abuser from retaliating with extremely malicious and revengeful behaviors. Many abusers will end up in prison after their victims have left the relationship.
Often a victim will be blindsided by their partner’s abuse. Abusers will start their abuse in full force once they have established their relationship with the victim.
Finding yourself involved with a mentally ill, abusive, or mentally ill and abusive partner is extremely taxing on the victim. The victim ends up carrying the responsibilities in a marriage, victims are the sole caretaker of the children. Abusers always have some type of problem, excuse or crisis. Abusers lie about illness, workload, fatigue, among any excuse they can find to avoid responsibilities. Abusers will rarely express selflessness kindness for their partners. Abuser will mock or criticize others who do display kind gestures to their partner.
Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner, to build their own self-esteem, and feed their internal high they receive from creating casos . If a partner is abusive towards you, regardless of whether they have a mental illness or not, they have no right to treat you that way. You always deserve to have a healthy and safe relationship 100% of the time. You can’t help a mental illness or make a abuser stop. Abusers will often seek therapy for the sole purpose to try and justify change, prove they have changed, later lie about diagnosis to further abuse their victims. Some forms of mental illness can be cured or relieved with the help of therapy but abusive behaviors can not. The abuser has to make the choice and statistics show if a partner has said I am sorry, in some cases hundreds of times, then keep repeating the abuse, the cycle will not stop until you leave it.

I believe living with a negative abusive person can bring addiction to their partners. 

Need to formulate a plan

I live with a person that I know longer know. I am not sure how to get out of this marriage. We have intertwined finances and a young child. 

When will enough be enough, we are literally roommates that don’t get along. I have zero attraction to him, I cringe at the thought of him touching me at all. He is so mean to me, has said some of the most abusive nasty things to me for a few years now, he apologies and keeps on haveing these outbursts. He has destroyed my love for him. 

How did I not see who he was in the beginning? I never would have imagined he would test me this way. I see now we are totally opposite. He makes ignorant close minded prejudice comments about anyone or anything that is different from him. He is rude and has zero common sense… I have just seen enough. 

I have been honest with him, I have said I want to separate, and he will cry and plead saying he will treat me the way I deserve… blah blah blah it never changes…. he bitches at me everyday… about anything and everything. I take to long washing my face, I don’t get the toddler to bed early enough, I go shopping to long , shower to long…. I don’t leave his lighter in the same damn spot… I mean it’s everything! He then can still say with a straight face that he is being nice and has changed…. I think he needs to ask for money back from the pricey anger management therapist he has been going to because that shit is not a workin. 

A bigger last verbal attack was a week ago, he played hookie from work…. I found this out because our phones are linked and could see he was at my family lake house….. I asked him what was going on. Knowing that so he went there to lay down and nap! Yes nap! He does these things, calls into work this is another story… so he doesn’t respond (because he thinking up a lie), and comes up with,” I was decorating and brought a gift up here for our anniversary”. First, we don’t get along and going to the lake house with him sounds like hell. We had not talked about this or made plans for the child or to go at all! For all we knew my family was using it. When he knew I wasn’t believing his BS yet again, he went the F off on me!

 I am just so sick of living with a unstable abusive person. The Ups and Downs…. he can tear into me saying the most insulting things I have ever heard and a hour later some up and try to kiss in me and when I don’t return the gesture he then lashes out again and stomps off! 

Such a abusive person omg. I look back through a App Journal I have and it’s like every few days I am typing in what he has done or said and it’s been going on years now! . And the thing is, I really haven’t done anything for him to even be mildly upset about! I work hard at my fulltime job, make money, care for the child the house the bills… I don’t go out to bars or drink or run with the girls for nights out…. he doesn’t appreciate anything in me or what he has. 

It’s just a matter of time before his job is feed up. I will have to post about his Kratom addiction and how he literally took 2 months off from LIFE! He has made my life much harder rather than easier that’s for sure. 

I have put all sorts of walls up with him, I have been self medicating more than ever lately and this sounds like a cop – out excuse but honestly I feel I need to be altered in my thinking to stand to be around him! I know I would not be dabbling this much if I was happy or if I was just not around him having to be bitched and and verbally abused and told how disgusting I am.  I will get into that issue later…. I just need to come up with a plan and stick to it, I am going to be 40 this year, and I feel I would be so much happier and healthier with no one rather than with him. 

Who is this person I married?

My life

I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes. 

First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.

Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway. 

What plant is this talk one??