Kratom Withdrawals?

I planned to pick my FedEx up at 1030-11am today I drive a hour to the FedEx place and find out the regular FedEx guy is on vacation and my package would mostly likely come on the regular route at 430pm! I drive all the way back so I could do some work just to end up using some sick hours because I feel out of it. Just detached and weird. I am dreading the drive but knowing that my package will be there helps with that. I have a mess of s marriage and keep chasing Kratom around spending to much money on it and apparently time driving too… just need it to be 430pm!! I want to hate it in my possession and be headed back home, I know I will feel better then. Of corse I start thinking omg what if it doesn’t show or something has happened…. but it’s says on truck and delivery by 430 so I am trying not to make myself feel worse.


It’s all to real

I reached out to a well known divorce attorney over the weekend, because I felt like there is no way this marriage can work. I saw his email responding come across and it said ” divorce” in the subject, my stomach dropped. I am so damn blinded by anger at my husband there is no way he can do right; he doesn’t try to do right either, he has been so difficult and so insulting to me and the child. I now at least I feel this way often, but then I think ok if I go thru with this!? I immediately think of our child and sadness.

Why did he have to make such a mess of this relationship!!! I am not sure how to get over hating him… he isn’t doing anything to help me move forward. Maybe divorce is real, maybe we just are no meant to be together, I so badly wanted to provide a together home for My little one. But this environment has not been healthy to say the least, life just gets to real. I feel detached today, I feel down but still up at the same time. I am also out of my kratom, the FedEx guy is running late, I made hour trip to the FedEx place just to find I will have to drive back again at 430 to get my package. Which I will do, I can’t feel like this all night. I took the afternoon off from work ” sick” just not myself today, that email triggers something in me, and the delay of my FedEx, I feel like , can I make this marriage work? Is it even possible? at this point. This last weekend I felt like I couldn’t take anymore, he sleeps all day blows off plans with the child leaves the home MIA all night and next day!!!! This is a whole new low for him and if this stuff is what’s going to start happening on top of what we already have then there is no way. I know I can’t make him change or make him do anything. I so wish he cared more. Really need it to be 430pm.

Divorce here I come.

The time is here. Dread of breaking the news to my family and friends but I know it won’t be a surprise to anyone that had gotten a glimpse of the nightmare my husband has become. He has been gone from this house going on a full day now, he has been in his own little selfish world and absent for much much longer. The child is 4 and asking questions. I can’t relate to his dads behavior because I wouldn’t be able to stay away from my child like he is. I want to protect my child from all of this. He deserves a happy home and a attentive mom AND dad. I picture life with out the husband in it, and a calm spreads over me. He didn’t come home last night and I slept like a baby. I know this is right. It’s a shame none the less, everything I read talks about the child suffering… I think I am exposing him to some really twisted shit keeping him in this living situation how it had been!

I have the husband blocked in my phone so I have know idea if he is coming or going and I hope it’s going. I will tell My child something…. I am going to have to work on releasing all this anger and almost a feeling of pure hate toward The soon to be X husband. I think I can let this go once this relationship is out to rest.

Of course there are little flashes of when we move on, no one will be playing house with my child. I just won’t let it happen. I don’t think I will have this issue as he can’t take care of the child alone there for I will have 100% full custody of my baby. I don’t trust him either… way to unpredictable and selfish, neglectful…. drug issues, irrational, verbally abusive, failed rehab , you name it he has drug me and overall this family threw it. I have great Male figures I hope to almost replace his dad with as far as good examples. I know I can’t replace him loving his dad, but if he is going to abandon him and neglect him, I have to protect him. Best senerio would be he leaves peaceful and proves he can be trusted. I would prefer supervised at this point, then we will see… I don’t have much faith he will work at it or be put out. I also have zero interest in being in a relationship. I am so over it. I will rejoice the day I am not his wife, I get physically ill at the thought of him touching me. He has done and said to much for to long, all I see is a monster and I hate how he picks and pokes at me and literally will grope me… I hate him.

I will seriously have a party when this nightmare is over. Knowing him he will be malicious and nasty. I guess I will have to deal with it. This has been going on way to long. He is miserable I am miserable, honestly all I ever wanted was is to get along and enjoy family time. I asked for his time repeatedly. He always would choose his ” alone time” I have gone to bed alone and usually upset every night since we have been married maybe even before, it all happened to fast. I was three months pregnant at our wedding. I really thought he was the one. I didn’t know what I was in store for. If I had, the marriage would have never happened. Now having my child was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I just wish we had not gotten married.

So I needed his time. I wanted family time and for it to be a happy experience. He is not capable of doing this at least not willingly. He let us down in so many ways, I want to move past this. I want to be content. I need him to grow up even if for a few days that we can reasonably decide on a fair split and schedule. Because he is not doing anything for the child at this point. I can’t help but to feel hate towards him.. I will leave him blocked. If he cares to see Chase he will find a way. From what I have seen he will be happy not being here and being a husband and father. It breaks my heart for my child. I know there is better days ahead. I think this is the big jump we have been prolonging. I just want it to be over and done. I hate going through to it. I am so numb to his behavior I just want it away!

I don’t know what I am doing, stuck

Stuck, comfortable being uncomfortable. My marriage is a horrific bad joke. I truly don't know this "man" I am married to. He had changed or he was not exposing his true self to me when we were dating and got married. I pray to god to help me not be angry and to not feel hate towards this man. I have even told him those exact words… I don't know if he has fried his brain on drugs or literally doesn't hear a word I say… but he just doesn't get it.

We had a child extremely fast, while this was not planned and a very difficult adjustment for me especially, I had to abruptly quick a anti depressant and anxiety meds and give up any and all recreational highs or alcohol of any sort.. my body was so different, I felt huge and uncomfortable… and my husband was just a asshole. He didn't stop anything, he actually seemed to be way worse, I never imagined the person I would commit to spending the rest of my LIFE would be this selfish, immature, extremely neglectful, verbally and emotionally abusive, unstable, angry, prejudice, ignorant, annoying, just straight stupid fool!!

He is embarrassing, I cringe when he opens his mouth to speak, what 40 year old man doesn't know simple common sense manners like leaning over and putting your hand up to my ear to "cover" his mouth as he wishers loudly about a person 4 feet away…. you don't realize they can see that you are whispering and it's very awkward uncomfortable and RUDE AS FUCK. He will still argue with me that this is normal behavior… fool. I didn't even think it was possible to loath every single thing another human does or says…. I have no more patience with this person, we have been to therapists, doctors, physiologist, preachers ,you name it I have tried it, I am a so what down to earth rational common sense type person, so I immediately thought he was very mentally ill once I was exposed and the target of his abusive angry tantrums… he had to be bi polar or delusional, personality disorder, something!

He has been tested for depression and major anxiety, he is currently in anger management, but none of it has changed what I am seeing in him nore how he behaves in the home, I hate that my perfect child who is s blessing from above has to see the way his dad behaves, I think he is a awful parent, he has zero patience and he yells and acts out worse than my 4 year old. I cringe when I hear him raise his voice and try to " discipline" my child. First off my child loves his dad and when they do spend time together which I feel is way way to little, sitting on the couch staring at his phone or TV doesn't count as quality time. I can see my child is loosing respect for him, I try the best I can in not let my feeling toward his dad be exposed in Front of him, but I am sure he is picking up on how much I can't stand his dad and that I have zero respect for him.

I really am torn with if taking the child away from this and getting a divorce would be the best, I have to say yes because this environment can be toxic. I seriously and going to lose my shit the next time I hear him raise his voice or have a tantrum over something meaningless. I can't even put into words how he behaves it's just simply not right and something is really off in his little tiny pea brain.

He is a horrible example for my child, he never showers he rarely brushes his teeth!!! All his teeth are stained and rotting out because he will sit in the couch and snivel fruit roll ups and skittles down his throat… he had battled addictions time and time again omg it's exhausting! It's was a alcoholic then onto Kratom then weed, and always in turmoil over it all never just at peace and it's affecting me very much and very negatively.

He is the apitomy of a neglectful abusive partner, he has called me every nasty name in the book and then some, and has the nerve to repeatedly in anger tell me that I need to forgive and let it go how he is so sorry and he will never be verbally abusive again…… just to keep on doing the same awful shit over and over and over.

I am stuck our finances are tangled and assets, he is a true asshole and has kept all his kick back savings stashed away for only him.. he can't stand this "man" I really can't, at this point even if he does good I am only going to see bad.

He will come and this is repeatedly get in my personal space and just annoy me, trying to kiss me after he had said the most disgusting thing to me he has insulted my family who have done nothing but shower him with love and lay for our child's daycare!!!

He is jealous of my sisters husband and is a asshole to him, he is juvenile! Who is this idiot in my life!!! Omg. I can't be stuck much longer. Even if he changed and was pure good, which will not happen or it already would have! I don't think I can see anything but the abuse. I can forgive but in the midst of the behavior still happening and the fact he will not listen to a word I say, I have told him time and time again I don't like how he is towards me, he does things like get I my face and is vulgar totally inappropriate I front of a child he has tried to grop me as he walks by…. and it makes me sick.

I hate it I hate it all, he refuses to listen to me on what works for me and what DOESN'T he just keeps on doing the same mean annoying shit…. I am pissed at him for stomping on the love I did have for him. I can't stand who he is.

He will not listen so I am going to have to get away from him, there is no love, no intimacy, non existent sex more, the thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill.

I can't forget I can't go back and erase, I am always going hear those words he had said to me so so so many times… I can't image this is the person I will be sipping coffee with when I am 70! I can't envision that at all.

I have asked him to leave, he won't, he had said he was done and leaving and he won't!! Full of empty threats.

I really want him to feel the pain he had caused and maybe if I end this he can see what he had and what he destroyed maybe then he will see how much pain he caused. He can be alone and I will move on, maybe met a real man one day, way way way down the road I have absolutely no desire the be with anyone intimatly, I now need to work on myself in a BIG way to fix the damage and to just get my head back on track, he brings out the absolute worst in me…

I have never been like this before. He is such a selfish destructive fool! I don't want to have anger I truly don't, enough will be enough and it must been sooner than later, we can't keep on in a loveless sexless negative hellish marriage. We were at a therapy session one time and the dr said for me to give him a compliment and I could not think of one thing to compliment him on… finally i said thank you for cleaning the cats shit box regularly. I can't see anything to compliment! I am blind with anger and resentment and I am just feed up, his attitudes and his under his breath rude rude comments and his games and his stupid face buried in his phone or the tv 24/7. I will pray tonight and I will pray for him and myself and for "us" i Need Divine intervention to save us. I wonder how he would feel if our little one was calling another man dad, I will never stand by and watch my little one call any other women mom I tell you this for damn sure, I will be getting %100 full custody and for the first year I think only supervised visitation.

With all his rehab attempts and doctor terminations and write up st his job( i have No idea how he has kept that job) he lies to me and then he will skip work and golf, he I must have my dad and my brother in law be around my little one as much as possible they are real men in my eyes, selfless, kind, godly men. I would feel comfortable talking about a serious issue I have with my brother in law and not my own husband, if I did I would be handing over ammunition for his malicious retaliation when I finally do split.

Any free time he has we are guaranteed to be way down on the list of his priorities, he spend so much more time smoking in the garage, being stupid high on something, his face buried in some awful murder show or in his phone as he plays Tetris and base ball, he literally throws a fit and will go off on me if he think he isn't going to get to have control over the TV he will go sit in the back bedroom and watch tv if we happen to have a kids movie in or something that he didn't choose, I just hate how he is, he is embarrassing I hate how ignorant and prejudice he is, he makes comments about homosexuality all the time, he makes comments on how it's wrong and blah blah blah all why he watches woman in woman porn and Masterbates on the bathroom floor late at night fucking sick weirdo and hypocrite. He had pissed the bed more times than my 4 year old and had left shit in the towel nomorius times, he is so brain dead he can't remember to flush he probably didn't wipe is nasty ass either. I don't see how I can ever feel the same or even just stand him. He always is bitching st me how we never have sex he totally puts it all on me all while he never tries! he doesn't care or listen to what I like and don't. On our anniversary we had a night alone so rather than try and treat me good and even try to romance me he pops a sleeping pill and passes out. Fool! I really can't stand him! I want out of this, right now, I need to get legal advice and talk to my parents, I just can't keep on like this he really does bring out the worst in me in several ways I just can't have this around us any more.

eBay recent disappointment(s)

Sick of eBay

Global shipping- I will always know now to click this option OFF. Posted my listing and didn't realize global shipping was on, my item sold. I finally figured out the address I was shipping to was a global shipping Hub. I wasted money on FedEx overnight because I had ran a day late getting the items out….. eBay then flags my item saying it is under review for being a prohibited item. I spoke to eBay they had no information on why it was flagged or if it would even be released to continue to delivery. So… wasted on shipping my item is delayed possibly affecting my feedback from the buyer, my buyer seemed irritated with all of it, although I mentioned her location on her eBay profile says U.K. And then on the global shipping update it is actually enroute to Kuwait. So customs and shipping delays – had to mess with!! I really hope that I don't get hit with some crazy shipping charges or something. Blah

Then there is my listing for the .02 bitcoins, I had a "buy it now" offer I had a buyer they paid instantly, I check my PayPal and day their payment had cleared there profile looked great so no worries I sent the bitcoins to the address the " buyer" provided me. All is great! So I thought, Next morning check my email and EBay had informed that the buyer account was hacked and a unauthorized person had made the purchase…. so after several hours of taking to eBay and editing in PayPal to call me back then taking to them… I think I got that all squared away… looks like I will be covered my seller protection and I can't get hit with losing that payment and losing my bitcoin. So PayPal came through but then again I would have rather not had to deal with any of this… so eBay I think I might start trying some other outlets of the same nature.. That my rant for the evening thx

USPS is currently unpredictable and unreliable

I am getting very frustrated with the USPS postal system. As of lately 50% or more of my orders are taking much longer than they use too!!! Drives me nuts… It seems to get hung up at the Chicago Metro Hub, sits for days and/or this facility have shipped my package to the wrong city completely adding more time. I am ordering a time sensitive product and this issue makes it very hard to plan ahead. I would opt for FedEx in a heartbeat even with the cost but I have a PO Box, so leaving me to depend on this horribly incompetent USPSERVICE. I know the humans working at this facility are probably underpaid and don’t give a flying Fuck if a package is late… I guess I am going to have to file a official complaint against this HUB. I sure wish there was a alternative mail service where I live….. so feed up.