The characteristics on a “abuser” in this write up may not be all factual or may be, but dead on! Describes my husband exactly!
I copy and pasted this “paper” I found online in so the formatting may have got a little whacked out. But this description of “abuser” is so dead on from my experience!
Mental illness and Abusive behavior fact based case study 2017.
Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners. If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviors need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behavior. If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.
The following questions may help you figure out whether what you’re partner is doing is abuse or abuse with mental illness:
● Does my partner yell or scream at others (friends, coworkers, family members) outside of our relationship?
● Does my partner make others check in to see where they’re at and who they’re with?
● Does my partner make unfulfilled promises to others of change.
● Does my partner apologize to others then continue the same abusive treatments?
● Does my partner hit or verbally assault others outside of our relationship?
● Does my partner minimize or verbally tear down others?
● Does my partner pressure others to do things that they aren’t okay with?
● Does my partner make threats to others when they say something my partner doesn’t agree with?
● Does my partner have documented reprimandation, termination or legal issues surrounding their behavior?
● Does my partner speak inappropriately in groups of people to embarrass or hurt others?
● Does your partner get jealous or have bursts of rage when others speak of a certain topic?
If you answered no to most of the questions, then most likely your partner is abusive without mental illness. If you answered yes to most of the questions, then it’s possible your partner is abusive and also may be experiencing some form of mental health issue or illness. There are resources that can help, and it’s a good idea to connect with a support network that might include counselors or support groups that can help you figure out your options.
A abusive partner
● Will burst into jealous or irrational rages over topics you may appear to have interest in.
● Are extremely judgemental and narrow minded.
● Makes accusations that are without merit.
● Makes threats to leave the relationship but will never follow through.
● Makes comments how someone else can satisfy their needs.
● Make everything about them.
● Feeds on creating or emerging themselves in drama.
● Is very critical of you but fails to see their own behaviors.
● Abusers have no patience.
Abusers may irrationally argue with a young child and are not capable of parenting especially being a disciplinary. Abusers are often stuck at a young emotional level, usually when abuse occurred in their life is when they stopped maturing in all ways with the exception of physical. Abusers will yell and scream at their partners about the child’s behavior and push blame on the victim in front of the child. Most children of abusers end up not knowing or hating the abusive parent.
Abusers are hypocrites. Abusers are extremely jealous. Abusers are extremely insecure and have low self-esteem, abusing their partners physically, verbally or emotionally is their way of trying to build themselves up.
Abuse does not go both ways. One is the abuser and the other the victim. Abusers will tell their partners they are the victim in an attempt to justify their behavior. Domestic violence, also known as Intimate Partner Violence, is an extremely complicated, multi-faceted issue. Studies widely identify women as victimized more often than men by their intimate partners,i but men can be victims of intimate partner violence, too, and women may use violence within relationships. What is often harder to determine, especially when both people in a relationship use violence, is who may be the core abuser and who may be the primary victim.Throughout our research, we were unable to find data that quantified how often women were identified as the primary abuser in the relationship. Anecdotally, we know they exist, but we were unable to find statistics that clarified how prevalent they may be. It can be implied that men are more often victimized by men and women are the abuser to other women in intimate relationships, but we were not able to quantify that, nor in cases where men are the primary victim with a female abuser.
Throughout our research, we were unable to find data that quantified how often women were identified as the primary abuser in the relationship. Anecdotally, we know they exist, but we were unable to find statistics that clarified how prevalent they may be. It can be implied that men are more often victimized by men and women are the abuser to other women in intimate relationships, but we were not able to quantify that, nor in cases where men are the primary victim with a female abuser.
Characteristics of Victims and Why Victims May Use Force of Violence within an Intimate Relationship
Over time, the victim becomes more and more oppressed by the abuser and may do whatever they can to not agitate or displease their partner. In other instances, Victims of violence often retaliate and resist domination and battering by using force themselves. Victims may use violence or force in effort to:
1. Escape and/or stop violence that is being perpetrated against them, and against escalating abuse.
2. Establish a semblance of equivalence in the relationship as a method of protecting themselves and their children
In relationships where domestic violence exists, violence is not equal, even if the victim fights back or instigates violence in effort diffuse a situation. Violence on victims’ part is in larger part resistance to ongoing battering.
Characteristics of Resistive/Reactive Abuse:
● The target resistive violence is specific: the violator or abuser;
● Reactive violence/abuse is used to stop and/or escape ongoing battering. It may be considered by the victim as a form of self-protection.
● Reactive violence/abuse is often used by victims to reclaim and restore dignity and integrity that is destroyed by the batterer by their systematic abuse.
● The motivation behind the use of such tactics is to retaliate and/or resist the abuse. Such tactics may also be used with the intention of stopping future abuse.
● Targets of resistive abuse generally hold the key to their own protection. That is, by stopping their own abuse against their victims, they would also end their partner’s’ use of resistance abuse towards them;
● Reactive abuse is rarely the first or only tactic used by victims of ongoing abuse. Victims often use a variety of other methods to stop or reduce abuse, such as:
● Threats to withdraw from the relationship or leave the abuser.
● Solicit help from others, family, ,friends, clergy, and police;
● Threats to expose the offender to shame him to end abuse.
● Threats to hurt the offender emotionally
In brief, a victim’s reactions to abuse fall into three classes:
• Coping (e.g., placating the abuser, enduring, etc.),
• Managing (e.g., anticipate abusers’ moods, modify own behavior so as not to arouse anger in abuser, attempt to control situations that lead to violence, divert attention from the abuse through religion or other activities, etc.),
• Resisting (e.g., create consequences for abuser such as arrest, seek outside help, hit back or strike preemptively, take other overt and covert actions to end or escape the abuse, etc.).
Domestic violence affects all aspects of a victim’s life. When abuse victims are able to safely escape and remain free from their abuser, they often survive with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects to their mental and physical health; relationships with friends, family, and children, their career and their economic well-being.
Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may:
• Want the abuse to end, but not the relationship
• Feel isolated
• Feel depressed
• Feel helpless
• Be unaware of what services are available to help them
• Be embarrassed of their situation
• Deny or minimize the abuse or make excuses for the abuser
• Withdraw emotionally
• Distance themselves from family or friends
• Distance themselves from family or friends
• Be impulsive or aggressive
• Feel guilt related to the relationship
• Have anxiety
• Abuse alcohol or drugs
• Be hopeful that their abuser will change and/or stop the abuse
One of the most important mitigating factors in determining who is the primary abuser when abuse is used by both partners in a relationship is when each partner ends their use of abuse; the victim’s use of abuse ends when the relationship ends or the abuser stops using abuse. The abuser will continue to abuse their victim indefinitely and often more intensely as they feel a loss of control over their victim, either within the relationship, or when it ends. For far too many, this is when the victim is in the most danger; when the victim becomes more withdrawn, distant or gone the more the abuser feels they are losing them, the more abusive they may become.
While data proves women are most often the victims of abuse in intimate relationships, again, anyone can be abused and anyone can be abusive. Understanding the dynamics of both abusers and victims is key to determining who is doing what to whom in a relationship.
● Look at history of abuse in each partner
● Look at other abusive relationships each partner has been involved in
● Look at abusive episodes between each partner’s friends and family
● Look at each partner’s temperament
● Look at any work related reprimanded actions in each partner
● Look at each partner’s history with legal actions due to abuse.
More Characteristics and tactics used by abusers
A abusers will find pleasure in taunting their victims in hopes to engage their partner into a confrontation in an attempt to push blame on the victim and justify their abuse. Victims may voice certain behaviors they find unacceptable this will drive the abuser to continue this behavior. Abusers may express a kind gesture or give a victim a compliment knowing the victim is hurt, damaged and withdraw, when the abuser doesn’t get a reaction from the victim that they feel they are owed, this in an abuser’s mind justifies the claim of feeling some form of rejection and then free to lash-out, this is a manipulative tactic from beginning to end knowing the reaction they will receive from the start is what drives the un-heartfelt words to be said. This source of “rejection” will feed an abusers abuse even after the manipulation tactic may be exposed. Abusers are statistically under average intelligence. This could partially explain the repeat use of of such a tactic and knowing the outcome. Abusers often are racist and prejudiced towards any group that is different from the abuser.
Psychical and Verbal abuse affect the same part of the brain. Verbal and emotional abuse take much longer to heal and end up leaving permanent scars.
If in a abusive dating relationship leave it immediately. If in a marriage take action to remove the abuser from the household and separated from any children immediately to prevent the abusive cycle from continuing then sort out what legal actions are needed to prevent the abuser from retaliating with extremely malicious and revengeful behaviors. Many abusers will end up in prison after their victims have left the relationship.
Often a victim will be blindsided by their partner’s abuse. Abusers will start their abuse in full force once they have established their relationship with the victim.
Finding yourself involved with a mentally ill, abusive, or mentally ill and abusive partner is extremely taxing on the victim. The victim ends up carrying the responsibilities in a marriage, victims are the sole caretaker of the children. Abusers always have some type of problem, excuse or crisis. Abusers lie about illness, workload, fatigue, among any excuse they can find to avoid responsibilities. Abusers will rarely express selflessness kindness for their partners. Abuser will mock or criticize others who do display kind gestures to their partner.
Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner, to build their own self-esteem, and feed their internal high they receive from creating casos . If a partner is abusive towards you, regardless of whether they have a mental illness or not, they have no right to treat you that way. You always deserve to have a healthy and safe relationship 100% of the time. You can’t help a mental illness or make a abuser stop. Abusers will often seek therapy for the sole purpose to try and justify change, prove they have changed, later lie about diagnosis to further abuse their victims. Some forms of mental illness can be cured or relieved with the help of therapy but abusive behaviors can not. The abuser has to make the choice and statistics show if a partner has said I am sorry, in some cases hundreds of times, then keep repeating the abuse, the cycle will not stop until you leave it.