I really have had enough of Kratom and this marriage . I don’t care what any one says, living with a abusive person can bring out the worst in you.
When I first tried this stuff I had been prescribed a large quantity of hydros every month for years, I was interested in a more natural approach to the TMJ I had been diagnosed with, I honestly and not even sure that diagnosis is correct but Kratom at first was fine.. worked fairly well and I didn’t think about needing pain meds… I was making tea out of Bali, then a few months in the manager at the store I was getting it at suggested I try a meang da extract and whoooaa I felt it…. thousands of dollars and several years later, I am still taking this stuff and I actually still get relief from anxiety, depression, pain, PMS, and sleep issues it really is a pretty amazing herb, but with that said I am taking a tincture and it costs a lot. I have noticed if I stop taking it or run out every symptom I described comes back all at once 10 fold. This then triggers paying the more money and getting more and on and on and on …. I am really just tired of it, tired of making sure to order it and spending all my pay checks… it’s just stupid. I do not believe that these Tinctures are equivalent to as many grams as the Internet says, no way. I can still get relief from plain leaf, so I just don’t believe the strength, maybe it does take 3000grams of playing leaf to make a 50ml tincture but much potency is lost in process. That is my opinion. I also feel I am so miserable in my marriage and that is driving me to have a escape and just deal with this abusive, hatful, mean person I still live with. I am going to have to jump off this Kratom ride pretty soon, I can’t keep on with this type of growing habit for money and just mental health. I know I can do it, it’s just being motivated and executing a solid plan. I need time and really not be living with a total A-hole to really do this right. I am thinking I will taper a long taper as I have better experience with going this route, yes it does drag it out but I hate the anxiety and the basically wanting to not get out of bed for a day or two that will come with getting this out of my system. So I will make one last large purchase and cut all dosing by half, I will then introduce powder again and then leave the tincture then finally leave the powder.. I don’t know what I will do if I get pain, I suppose the hydros but the Kratom had really blown my tolerance out of the water, so I would really be lucky to get any relief from that. I just want to feel good again and feel good naturally, like the way I did a few years back, getting the endorphins flowing from exercise and actually wanting to have a social life… well somewhat, I have always been more introverted and a home body, but these days I dread going to weddings and birthdays really just about anything, I know ALOT of why I am taking this stuff as much as I am truly has to do with my husband, I really can’t believe who he turned out to be, this is not the same man I married and had a child with. He has changed. He went down a pretty dark road with Kratom just this year he quit it, so I don’t tell him or expose him to the Tinctures I take, also he is very malicious and I wouldn’t dare tell him something like what I am going thru withthis stuff because he would tell the world and throw it in my face any chance he got, like if we end up divorcing, yeah hell no! I can’t trust him. I know this sounds like I am pushing blame, but while I know I am an adult and I am being irresponsible, if I weren’t in such a mess of a marriage and literally not being able to stand being around this person, I know I wouldn’t be doing this like I am. He kills me with how hateful he is, like just crushes my spirit, he has called me every name in the book to many times to count. He is one of those ” I am sorry ” people but keeps on doing the crap he is ” sorry ” for…. blah he has destroyed our relationship and my love. We went to a therapist just today, I guess a last ditch effort type of deal…. and he just doesn’t get it… I have never had to deal with such a irrational, selfish, delusional, mentally ill person in my life!!! I know me spending on this is awful and hurting me just as much, but I almost don’t care that I am spending the money and running up credit, it’s almost like it’s a way for me to lash back or defend myself from the monster I have seen so so many times… I can’t even put into words, what this ” man ” has put me through…. the failed rehab attempts that cost us several grand, the lies , the verbal abuse is beyond unacceptable! and I have also seen how his family almost justifies it and pushes blame as well, to his mother who I feel is to blame largely for how he has turned and treats people… she let these kids 4 of them grow up with verbal abuse and neglect and cheating, racism you name it… she keeps these inncocent kids in this awful household then divorces the creep after they all move out at 18. I don’t get it, just drag them through all that just to then remove yourself?? I don’t want my child to think his behaviors are even the tiniest bit acceptable… and he has already seen fights and the ignorant statements that come out of his mouth…. I can’t believe I married this ” man” what was I on? What was I thinking? What!!??? Either I was blind or he was a totally different person , probably some of both. When I married him and had a child, I never imagined he would treat me the way he does today. Never. I feel like I have been tricked. I feel like he has brought out the worst in me. I feel like he has abused me to the point I may never look at relationships the same again. I honestly would rather be alone then with him. What a mess!!! I am ever so grateful for my child and my good job, if I can just get away from him without him making it next to impossible and leave this Kratom habit far in the past, I would be high on life! It just sounds so so so exhausting to try and divorce and get off this stuff, it’s almost easier to just stay put, but I have had enough. I think it’s time to stop being selfish and irresponsible and putting myself through this , I hate those traits in him, I don’t want to be the hypocrite like he is either… so maybe I can keep the peace in the home long enough to get mentally strong and clean from this stuff and then I can’t do this anymore , even if he changed and was the nicest man ever, the damage is done… I can figure but how do you forget??? I mean when I look at him there is not even a smidge of attraction, I actually feel the opposite. Like totally repelled, I have told him over the years, you are doing serious damage to this relationship and I guess he just didn’t hear or believe me or most likely doesn’t care. I just don’t see how I could ever want to touch him again! We have a nonexistent love life, I really can’t believe we are still living together, and it’s not because I haven’t said anything, I wanted him out done please leave! He loves to make the threat that he is leaving he has told me so many times how he is “done” he “is leaving” And he just won’t he never follows through , I wish he wouldn’t make these empty threats, I wish he would just do what you say! Leave! he is going to make it as hard as possible because that just what he does. He makes me fucking sick.