Women are emotional, rational, creative, loving  beings. Men are physical beings. 

Men need to understand that a woman needs to connect with a man on a emotional trusting level, before she feels comfortable having a intimate relationship. There are always exceptions to this rule but I find this to be the standard with any women worth taking home to momma. 

Why so many men, can be total AHoles and treat their women like shit and still be ready to jump in bed with her, this is not how I work. Once a man has done something to me or repeatedly done something to me that has hurt me, I shut down. I can’t help it, this is how I work. If a man is kind to me and I trust him and we have a physical connection then it’s going to be fabulous. 

My husband is a perfect example. He has changed. He has turned out to be such a negative, verbally abusive, unstable factor in my life now for a couple years… he will unleash a verbal assault on me outta nowhere… this is then followed by ” I am so sorry” ” I didn’t mean any of it” ” I will never talk to you like that again” I have heard it all and hundreds of times… but still happens.

 He can’t grasp that I am hurt and he has done it, there fore I have lost interest in being intamite with him. He can’t even let me get out what has hurt me , before he is jumping down my throat about his needs. If he wants a intamite relationship with me, then I suggest he learns to listen and treat me right, till then his needs will go unfulfilled by ME. Period.

 I don’t care at this point. I am not sure I would care if he wondered off and got it somewhere else.  He can go treat someone else like shit. 

If I could do it all again, I would still have got pregnant, but would have waited on the marriage part. I think once you have a child and are living together the real person shows up. I would have waited to met this person and made sure we still loved rach other before making such a large commitment. 


Medical Marijuana in my home state. 

I may have some things to work on in my life like my “marriage” but I am so grateful for my child and family and then Job! I work remotely and really don’t know what I would do without this job, the company and my coworkers are the best I could have ever asked for!! 

I live in a state where Medical Marijuana has just become legal… I don’t smoke weed and I personally have never had any benefits from trying it, but millions have including a very close friend, so now that it’s legal in the Bible Belt, never thought I would see the day. I wonder what it would take to start up a dispensary? I am sure I can fill my head with some knowledgeable info from Google…  I have heard stories of dispensary owner having to keep all their money in cash form in a volt hidden away somewhere due to the threat of the federal government up and deciding they want it due to how it was earned. 

Could this be worth investing in? I would think, I would have to partner up with a farmer who can grow every badass strain possible and then find a nice professional place to sell it, then who are the doctors that are prescribing it? The internet says they must be a MD with a active license…. I can’t imagine there are just hundreds of MDd in line for this job, but maybe I wrong…. I found this pic showing a dispensary under construction in this state, it states and RECREATIONAL? This I have not heard to be true…. not sure why that says that honestly… wishful thinking maybe. 

I believe living with a negative abusive person can bring addiction to their partners. 

Need to formulate a plan

I live with a person that I know longer know. I am not sure how to get out of this marriage. We have intertwined finances and a young child. 

When will enough be enough, we are literally roommates that don’t get along. I have zero attraction to him, I cringe at the thought of him touching me at all. He is so mean to me, has said some of the most abusive nasty things to me for a few years now, he apologies and keeps on haveing these outbursts. He has destroyed my love for him. 

How did I not see who he was in the beginning? I never would have imagined he would test me this way. I see now we are totally opposite. He makes ignorant close minded prejudice comments about anyone or anything that is different from him. He is rude and has zero common sense… I have just seen enough. 

I have been honest with him, I have said I want to separate, and he will cry and plead saying he will treat me the way I deserve… blah blah blah it never changes…. he bitches at me everyday… about anything and everything. I take to long washing my face, I don’t get the toddler to bed early enough, I go shopping to long , shower to long…. I don’t leave his lighter in the same damn spot… I mean it’s everything! He then can still say with a straight face that he is being nice and has changed…. I think he needs to ask for money back from the pricey anger management therapist he has been going to because that shit is not a workin. 

A bigger last verbal attack was a week ago, he played hookie from work…. I found this out because our phones are linked and could see he was at my family lake house….. I asked him what was going on. Knowing that so he went there to lay down and nap! Yes nap! He does these things, calls into work this is another story… so he doesn’t respond (because he thinking up a lie), and comes up with,” I was decorating and brought a gift up here for our anniversary”. First, we don’t get along and going to the lake house with him sounds like hell. We had not talked about this or made plans for the child or to go at all! For all we knew my family was using it. When he knew I wasn’t believing his BS yet again, he went the F off on me!

 I am just so sick of living with a unstable abusive person. The Ups and Downs…. he can tear into me saying the most insulting things I have ever heard and a hour later some up and try to kiss in me and when I don’t return the gesture he then lashes out again and stomps off! 

Such a abusive person omg. I look back through a App Journal I have and it’s like every few days I am typing in what he has done or said and it’s been going on years now! . And the thing is, I really haven’t done anything for him to even be mildly upset about! I work hard at my fulltime job, make money, care for the child the house the bills… I don’t go out to bars or drink or run with the girls for nights out…. he doesn’t appreciate anything in me or what he has. 

It’s just a matter of time before his job is feed up. I will have to post about his Kratom addiction and how he literally took 2 months off from LIFE! He has made my life much harder rather than easier that’s for sure. 

I have put all sorts of walls up with him, I have been self medicating more than ever lately and this sounds like a cop – out excuse but honestly I feel I need to be altered in my thinking to stand to be around him! I know I would not be dabbling this much if I was happy or if I was just not around him having to be bitched and and verbally abused and told how disgusting I am.  I will get into that issue later…. I just need to come up with a plan and stick to it, I am going to be 40 this year, and I feel I would be so much happier and healthier with no one rather than with him. 

Who is this person I married?

My life

I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes. 

First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.

Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway. 

What plant is this talk one??