I am not a blogger or a writer of any type. I am not particularly good with grammar and all that is invloved in writing, so please forgive the writing phopaes.
First I am using this as a outlet, until I can figure out what to do. I am not in immediate danger or anything like that. I married my husband in 2012 , I was 3 1/2 month pregnant with my only beautiful gift from god at the time of my wedding. I can’t blame anything on ” we rushed” or had to marry quickly” as we were engaged before I ever found out. My husband was a totally different person then, never could even ivision him doing the things he does now. He was funny, nonevthreatening, godly, and just a sweet humble man.
Today, he has morphed into a hot headed, angry, abusive, nasty mean human being. I think the shock of being new parents and how we no longer could do as we pleased was more of a change than he imagined. He became, selfish, going out drinking and leaving me home with the child even on day 5, I was still recovering from a c-section, he started that crap… thanksgiving 2013, I never looked at this the same, he unleashed the most disgusting verbal assault on me. I did not grow up around that kind of behavior and I do not find it acceptable in any way shape or form.. I come to find out he did grow up with lots of abuse, sexual, verbal, some physical, he couldn’t see that he has just broken my spirit. Fast forward to the last year.. he has gone down a road of addiction, depression and anxiety and seems to have over come the addiction ( Kratom ) more on this topic later, but he is still so awful to be around, he has continually said such awful things to me and doesn’t even see or acknowledge when I tell him, I do not want to live like this, on his last little tantrum he said a favorite threat of his about how he ” is done” he is leaving” I disgust him” I just simply said ” Good” I hope you aren’t making another empty threat” like every single time he goes off on me, it’s followed by weak, less than half ass apologies… this has been his pattern for so long, I seriously can’t even look at him. I do not want him here I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me, I also don’t want his behavior to rub off on my now 4 year old. This man is not the person I knew in 2012, I have told him, I will never feel the same, I can imagine any human wanting to be I intimate with a completely abusive self absorbed crazy person! I feel trapped, I know he will never change at this point and I so badly just want this to end maturely, knowing him it will he the opposite and he is so malicious, he will make up things to try and hurt me. I have not confided in him with anything personal in years, I don’t trust him, we have both been to therapy alone and together.. nothing is working… he is just not happy and is taking it all out on me. I almost feel hate towards him, this is not who I am, I don’t want to have hate in my heart. I just simply want to be treating nicely. He can’t do this, we have gone over this time and time again, and still can’t make it a day with out a insult or bitching at me… he has become a HUgE bitcher, all the time! Anything I do or don’t do, always put out always telling the child No, just simply because he is lazy. I am going to talk this over with my family whom I have kept the majority of this from and also talk to a attorney. I just wish he could see what he has destroyed, we could have really had a nice life together, but I can’t live with him, he is impossible and really starts to drag me down. I am numb to him, I found t listen to him if I tried at this point. I can hardly look at him. He gets so mad and stomps around when I pull away when he tries to hug or kiss me…. I find he does these things because he knows I will pull away and this in his mind gives him justification to lash out…. he is a sick sick manipulative total and compete AHole, I must get away from his poison! It’s so hard to pull a child away from his dad and we have such nice things…. I really am disgustied with him, he has thrown it all alway.